Hi, I'm a Quizno's in the Detroit Airport

Since you have shown interest in being a customer at the Quizno's in the Detroit Airport (me), I thought I should just go ahead and list the things you can expect NOT to have:

1) The full Quizno's menu. Look, let's be upfront. We're in the Detroit airport. We'd like to keep as much stuff related to Quizno's as possible from being in here. Ya know, so we don't go downhill by association. Our Steakhouse Beef Dip set a new quality standard. We can't have that jeopardized by the Wayne County International airport's substandard level of upkeep.

2) Different sandwich sizes. Now, I know you don't want the regular size sandwich. You're not that hungry or don't want to pay $1 per inch for a mediocre sandwich. I get it. But here's the thing. Even though we're cutting the bread right in front of you, there is a lot of complication in having them cut smaller sizes. Just trust us on this one. We have one billion Quizno's in the midwest alone. We've cut bread at least 30 billion times. We know what we're talking about.

3) The order taker to stick around to take your whole order. It doesn't matter that you said "Classic" and all you need to do is add "Italian" and her transaction with you is complete. Someone else can pass the order along to the sandwich maker. It's 1pm. It's time for her to go home. Just as a heads up the sandwich maker has not been trained for this situation. She'll stand there for a minute not knowing what to do. Just try to feel as unawkward as possible.

4) Efficient customers. My menu is overwhelming. I get it. There's like, 5 things in one size on here. So the guy who could be foreign is talking to the order taker like she is the waitress at a fancy restaurant. Asking her recommendations and what not. To his credit he is perceptive to realize that since I am the source of one of her meals everyday that she probably has had everything on my menu. Besides, it's only 12:57pm. He has plenty of time to get the info from her before she just walks away without saying anything.

5) A sandwich not loaded up with cheese. You need dairy. Eat the cheese. If you don't like it then you are an asshole. If you are lactose intolerant then you should take the message from God that He doesn't want you to be alive anymore. Now just eat the 10 types of cheese we put on your sandwich even though you said "no cheese". Because when you say "no" it just makes me want to cheese up your sandwich even more.

6) A reasonable price. I always thought I overcharged for sandwiches. But being in the airport with that inflated economy, I'm actually a cheap option. Better mark up my prices a little more. Gotta pay for these toasters. I am aware that every fast food and sandwich place everywhere (even Dunkin Donuts) has one. But ours are older, so they are more valuable... yes...

7) Banana peppers in the pepper bar. There were some here earlier. They're all gone now. We can't have the kid who puts lettuce on the sandwiches go refill it. What if someone orders a salad in the 10 seconds it would take him to refill it?

8) A place to sit. It's an airport, be resourceful. Use your little wheely carry-on suitcase as a table near a crowded gate. You check your bags? Then you're an asshole and I feel nothing but contempt for you.

Enjoy your sandwich!