A lot less Words on the ESPYs

I edited this down. 2700 words was ridiculous. I was the biggest hypocrite ever by complaining the ESPYs were too long.

Welcome to ESPYS recap 2008. I already accidently hit the button that adjusts my screen brightness which I’m taking as a bad omen.

What that means: No love for hockey, a lot of winners I totally disagree with, and the Justin Timberlake I hate showing up to host. We’ll see how this pans out.

You might remember last year I wrote an ESPYs recap as it happened. http://friedgreendurbins.com/John_realtime.html

ESPY's are ESPN's awards for sports things.

I DVR’d this year’s ESPYs with the hope of actually taking some time with the tape. All that really happened is it took me 10 days to get around to doing this. Better late than never! Whoooooo!

I did watch it live so I am not going in blind. Let me go ahead and point out the weirdest thing. It ran over its allotted time. Even though it was taped and the baseball game before it ended 10 minutes early. I had to reDVR this thing at the 1am replay in the hopes that it wouldn’t cut off the end. Now I am thinking this might not be long enough even though I allowed 2.5 hours to record it.

ESPN, get your shit together. This is fuckin’ amateur. Well, now that we busted right the fuck through the profanity wall we might as well get started.

Under Armour and Hummer are sponsoring. That means we get a lot of creepy kids and hot chicks for half the commercial breaks http://youtube.com/watch?v=9M9tp8_WGws&feature=related
http://youtube.com/watch?v=cTmFzWisJwg

One of my complaints last year was that the highlight reel in the beginning had too many cut shots and made it impossible to actually see what was happening. This year they did a good job. Good highlights, able to see what’s going on. I’m a little flattered ESPN is reading my blogs. Next year maybe they’ll finish on time.

Lester’s no hitter highlights are making me choked up a little earlier than planned. Thankfully they showed Mike Piazza accompanied by him giving a phone interview. His quote: “I am leaving this game with absolutely no complaints”. The part they left out: “Other than the fact that everyone thought I was gay and I didn’t stab Roger Clemens in the throat with the broken bat he threw at me. Clemens… I would have done him in the ass so hard… Wait!”

Ya know, if I am an athlete or celebrity, and I die, or retire, and I earn a part of a montage that is less than other people in the montage, I’m gonna feel like the under side of a penis. So what I’m saying is, just give me an even slice of the montage pie.

Also, I think we’re being a little liberal with who we have in theses montages.

Uh oh, here comes Justin Timberlake (JT). First joke was good. Oops, now he’s parading around like a douchebag. Will Farrel’s face says it all. Not even 2 minutes in and JT has lost the crowd.

Alright, I have a policy not to criticize other people’s jokes, so I am gonna skip through his opener. Had some good ones, had some bad ones. Me dissecting his jokes will be more boring than actually watching this abortion of an opening monologue. Whoops.

Best upset – Big Brown wasn’t an upset. It’s a longer track. He was hurt. He should have lost. Fresno State should have won this. The disparity between top college programs and bad college programs is bigger than any professional sport. Whoops, Appalachian St is an option. Well, it should be Fresno St or Appalachian. Tell us who wins Forest Whitaker! Giants win! The Giants win! A team that won its right to play in the championship shocked the other team of paid professionals who were considered slightly better by most!

Danica has her legs pretty wide open as she hands over those ESPYs. Either she needs lady lessons or she’s looking for a large man to pollinate her.

Taking us to commercial: Danica flirting with the Giants. Pollination it is.

They just listed things to get me to stay tuned. They didn’t mention one thing that made me want to come back to ESPN ever again. Admittedly it started with “Brett Favre and then Justin Timberlake sings”. I think I would rather put vapo-rub on my scrotum.

Under Armour ad. Just dudes working out. In a really weird way- CLICK CLACK! – HOW BAD DO YOU WANT IT! LET ME HEAR YOU! C’MON STIFF ARM! STIFF ARM IN THE FACE!

Jimmy Kimmel says you are a pussy and an asshole for not watching every NFL game live through direct ticket. No, Jimmy, DirectTV is a bunch of pussy assholes for having a monopoly. Actually, the government is a bunch of pussy assholes for not doing anything about it.

The ESPY announcing lady is a little too excited. She’s overselling things. I don’t think she wants to be there. I don’t blame her.

Montage on Favre. This captures Favre really well. Jamaican drums with Christian Slater narrating. Makes me think of Favre. This whole thing just seems like a big “Fuck You!” to Dan Marino.

Here comes the singing. Greg Oden is dressed in a little tuxedo and silly glasses. He’s awesome. More people need to be like him. I still don’t know if Oden actually played the piano for this. I hope so.

My God this is boring. Soooooo, basically JT’s just gonna kinda sing about what already happened? Doesn’t he have a blog where he can do this? Zing!

Under Armour is back to remind me to stiff arm people in the face.

Why does this guy want a mermaid in beer heaven? Are mermaids notoriously good at BJ’s and I just missed the memo? Of course, he also asked for Miller Lite, so he clearly isn’t looking to get any poon.

I want to party with Lupe Fiasco. I feel like we would get along.

Best Championship performance… Our second award tonight… 40 minutes in… ESPN… Dude… C’mon…

Looks like the ESPYs producers are working hard for a Zach Efron sandwich on white girl bread.

Best breakthrough athlete. Um… Adrian Peterson. Finally a football award the sport deserves to win. He was awesome. Adrian Peterson- Wait, I just found Vanessa Hudgens got naked pictures taken. Time out.

Saw the pic. Alright!

Cat Genie seems like a good idea. If you’re misguided enough to have a cat.

Arthur Ashe award time. Tommy Smith and John Carlos are getting the award for doing one of the awesomest things ever. Seriously, this is such a great moment.

“Narrated by Tom Cruise”. Somewhere Christian Slater is watching this and saying “Fuck! No one told me I could get credit for this! They’re threatening to take my SAG card! I need the official credit!”

I was just asked “What do you think is the process of getting Tom Cruise to narrate this?” My Answer: “Well, they probably wanted someone with a well known distinguishable voice. So they called his agent and asked if Tom Cruise could take the cock out of his mouth long enough to narrate this”.

How awkward for the second place guy in this Tommie Smith-John Carlos medal ceremony. I would have uncomfortably raised my fist too. Just because I wouldn’t know what else to do.

I just cued the band on them. Via fastforwarding.

Weird guy who wants to fuck a mermaid after getting drunk on Miller Lite is back.

The stars of the Mummy 3 (or 4, I think 4… I don’t Goddamn care) are here to present. Wow. Brendan Fraser is drunk. Jet Li is terrified. And short. And I think possibly a shaved monkey.

“Blah Blah Blah. I’m David Beckham. Blah Blah Blah”.

STIFF ARM! STIFF ARM TO THE FACE! Thank God that happened. Woke me back up a little bit.

JT shooting free throws to complain about Memphis. The horse is dead. Please leave it alone.

Kevin Everett will be given the Jimmy V award for coming back from being paralyzed. Agreed. Christian Slater is back to narrate. He doesn’t sound as into this one. He probably rerecorded a lesser version after seeing Tom Cruise got credit in the montage.

Man, seeing Kevin Everett walk out onto this stage makes you realize what a pussy Christopher Reeves was.

Best Moment time: Lester beats cancer. Fuck cancer. Cancer is a dick. Fuck the Royals too. The girl who blew out her knee doesn’t deserve the award. All she did was get carried around.

Best Male Athlete: Tiger Woods, A-Rod, Brady, or Kobe. None are in attendance. Will Farrell accepts the award. The producers of this show are thinking “Hijinx sells! We’ve got another hit on our hands! Cigars!”

Aaaaaaand, my recording has ended. All we missed was best team and whatever terrible closing they had. Best Team was the Giants. Great.

So basically the ESPYs repeat went over an hour long. All in all I give the show a C-. Looks like the omen of the accidental screen brightness adjustment came to fruition.

To recap: Too long. Not a lot of diversity in winners. Tom Cruise. Drunken Mermaid fucking. Subpar host.

Said it before, will say it again. ESPN, get your act together.

You have 364 days. Go!

Something to look forward to

I am going to dissect the ESPYs again. Honestly, I don't know when. Probably this weekend. I DVR'd it this year unlike last year when I just stream of consciousness commented.

Yeah. So get up on the edge of your seat.

Another Premature Movie Review

So, in this episode of me reviewing movies based on ads, I am telling you what I assume about the movie "Swing Vote" based on this promotional poster:


Kevin Costner is a gay man who is trying to vote for a non-gay man in the election but conflicted about it. Making him a "Swing Vote". Because it will make a difference. Or GAYke a difference as it were. HAHAHAHA, hilarious!

I base this on the really gay (literally; as in he looks like he is checking out some dude's garbage) picture plus the rest of the cast. Also, having swing in the title makes me think he is trying to figure out which way to swing. If college taught me anything, it's that if a dude is trying to figure out which way to swing, he's likely ending up on the dude side of the equation.

Note: Last sentence does not make me a bigot. Just most hetero dudes never reach the point of vocalizing their conflicted stance on what kind of crotch to put their face in.

MOVIES!

Reviewing a Preview

I don't want to sit through a 2 hour movie. So after watching the trailer, I just assume what it is about.

In this episode, I am going to tell you what "The Rocker" starring Rainn Wilson is about. Based on the preview this is at least 90 minutes of Rainn Wilson being hit with things and falling down.

I'm sold!

Please hold

I was on hold with my bank yesterday. They played the most depressing music I had ever heard. To the point that it made me a little uncomfortable. That's it.

Bye.

Hi, I'm a Quizno's in the Detroit Airport

Since you have shown interest in being a customer at the Quizno's in the Detroit Airport (me), I thought I should just go ahead and list the things you can expect NOT to have:

1) The full Quizno's menu. Look, let's be upfront. We're in the Detroit airport. We'd like to keep as much stuff related to Quizno's as possible from being in here. Ya know, so we don't go downhill by association. Our Steakhouse Beef Dip set a new quality standard. We can't have that jeopardized by the Wayne County International airport's substandard level of upkeep.

2) Different sandwich sizes. Now, I know you don't want the regular size sandwich. You're not that hungry or don't want to pay $1 per inch for a mediocre sandwich. I get it. But here's the thing. Even though we're cutting the bread right in front of you, there is a lot of complication in having them cut smaller sizes. Just trust us on this one. We have one billion Quizno's in the midwest alone. We've cut bread at least 30 billion times. We know what we're talking about.

3) The order taker to stick around to take your whole order. It doesn't matter that you said "Classic" and all you need to do is add "Italian" and her transaction with you is complete. Someone else can pass the order along to the sandwich maker. It's 1pm. It's time for her to go home. Just as a heads up the sandwich maker has not been trained for this situation. She'll stand there for a minute not knowing what to do. Just try to feel as unawkward as possible.

4) Efficient customers. My menu is overwhelming. I get it. There's like, 5 things in one size on here. So the guy who could be foreign is talking to the order taker like she is the waitress at a fancy restaurant. Asking her recommendations and what not. To his credit he is perceptive to realize that since I am the source of one of her meals everyday that she probably has had everything on my menu. Besides, it's only 12:57pm. He has plenty of time to get the info from her before she just walks away without saying anything.

5) A sandwich not loaded up with cheese. You need dairy. Eat the cheese. If you don't like it then you are an asshole. If you are lactose intolerant then you should take the message from God that He doesn't want you to be alive anymore. Now just eat the 10 types of cheese we put on your sandwich even though you said "no cheese". Because when you say "no" it just makes me want to cheese up your sandwich even more.

6) A reasonable price. I always thought I overcharged for sandwiches. But being in the airport with that inflated economy, I'm actually a cheap option. Better mark up my prices a little more. Gotta pay for these toasters. I am aware that every fast food and sandwich place everywhere (even Dunkin Donuts) has one. But ours are older, so they are more valuable... yes...

7) Banana peppers in the pepper bar. There were some here earlier. They're all gone now. We can't have the kid who puts lettuce on the sandwiches go refill it. What if someone orders a salad in the 10 seconds it would take him to refill it?

8) A place to sit. It's an airport, be resourceful. Use your little wheely carry-on suitcase as a table near a crowded gate. You check your bags? Then you're an asshole and I feel nothing but contempt for you.

Enjoy your sandwich!

Super Meta Blog Go!

Yep, I am dissecting one of my own previous posts. It is the one entitled "programming notes" if you are interested. Amazingly if you read that post with hindsight and a fact checking machine I come out to look like a real asshole. Let's get post modern on me. Past John in italics, Present John in Bold:

I basically watch Adult Swim and sports. Here is some updates on each:

I can't wait to point out what an asshole you are.

Mission Hill is running on repeats. Very late at night. If you're up and unsleepy, check it out. It is pretty decent and probably one of the most dated feeling shows in existence, which is weird because it took place in 2005.

It was made in 2000. Check your facts. You don't even have an excuse. You have to use the internet to write these things. Open a new tab and google search things. My God. You suck.

Astrobasego.com is offering Venture Brothers t-shirts each week. New shirt every week only available for a week. The shirt has to do with that weeks episode. Another really entertaining show.

I'm ordering this week's. Not that I love it, I just want to order one of these shirts and haven't been real flattered by any so far. On a side note, thank you for providing zero pieces of information on the show and why you like it. Now stop hocking products for a company you don't work for.

Euro 2008 is going on right now (soccer). Netherlands is (are?, stupid grammar) looking tough.

Honestly, I still don't know the correct grammar for this.

Begs the question of whether they are peaking too early.

You might be a genius. Netherlands lost to Russia in the first round of elimination games. Not too shabby. I guess since you knew this would happen you gambled on it or didn't get too attached to the team.

I hope not.

Oh.

My rankings for teams I am rooting for and why:

1) Netherlands: PSV Eindhoven and Ruud van Nistelrooy

Wow. Even though you knew they would lose you put them at number 1. You're a jagbag.

2) Germany: I think next to Irish I have more German genetic material in me than anything else. I could have probably worded that better, but here we are. My favorite player is this bearded fella known as Christoph Metzelder - http://china.goal.com/images/19406_hp.jpg. If you're an athlete and have a beard, I will be rooting for you.

Germany made it to the finals. Good for me. Lost to Spain. Bad for them. On a side note, beards make everyone more successful. Look at Castro.

3) Croatia: What I am about to say is 100% serious. Dig those socks! http://www.euro2008.uefa.com/tournament/matches/match=300701/report=rw.html. Seriously, those uniforms are unreal. (silence) *cough, cough* (more silence). Just me? Fine.

F*&$ you if you don't support those socks. They are awesome.

File Under Awesome

I have hanging cabinets over my desk at work. I was reading, kinda zoned out and my phone rang. I jumped up to go answer it (yes I was far from my phone, don't ask why because I don't know) and smacked my head on the corner of the cabinet.

Aside from hurting like a bastard I began to bleed profusely. It was awesome. One of those "what is this liquid I feel on my forehead" and you put your hand on it and it looks like you just delivered a baby while not wearing gloves. Blood EVERYWHERE. Running down my face. Intense.

I think I am ok. I tried to tell Smarter Child (IM chat bot) about the experience, but he didn't understand. I wish I hadn't closed the chat window, I would have put it here. It was pretty entertaining. Apparently you don't want Smarter Child the be your last hope in an emergency because he doesn't know how to respond to emergencies. When I told him that I was feeling dizzy and going to go to sleep for a while, Smarter Child told me "Sweet Dreams". I think he knew I was going to die and wanted to be as comforting as possible.

Sorry for the silence. I have been writing longer things. Hope to have them completed and up here soon.

Watch your heads.

Potential Blog Migration

I am thinking about moving this blog to one with the title diatribes. It seems more accurate to what I am doing. But at the same time not at all. Diatribe belongs in the list of words I have used inaccurately for years now. I thought it just meant a long rambling collection of words.

Fear not, you will know immedgiately if that happens. In the meantime, I will continue here.

FYI, show at the comedysportz tonight. Come out. We will be making 4th of July references. Because America is a-ok.

11pm, comedysportz on Belmont (between sheffield and clark).

Live it.